Silent Auction and Movie Night BENefit for BEN! Sunday, Nov. 24

Dear Friends,

Thank you for the love and support that you have been pouring out to save Ben's life. We share deep gratitude from our hearts to yours. This is especially poignant as we welcome Thanksgiving next week.

Here's my gratitude list at the moment:

• Ben, Logan and Paige
• encouragement and the outpouring of love from family, friends, and friends of friends
• health
• wisdom
• coaching and directing
• the color red
• my kitties
• warm home
• yummy vegan food
• movies
• Logan and Paige connecting with their grandparents
• dogs
• coloring books
• Glee
• downtime
• Ben's face
• Ben's sense of humor
• laughing

What's on yours? Do it now. Quick!

Tomorrow will be full of blessings. Friends have helped organize a Silent Auction and Movie Night BENefit for BEN. Please help spread the word. Join us at the event if you can!

If you are unable to attend, but wish to contribute directly to Ben's care, you can visit:

www.youcaring.com/bensayer

There are over 50 items for tomorrow's silent auction...and counting! Huge variety! Here are some examples:

• Teddy bear and pop-up book
• Picnic basket w/ wine
• Mary Kay cosmetics
• Family fun – movies, CD, Uno, cocoa, popcorn
• LL Bean snowshoes and bag 
• Scrapbook supplies 
• Original art work 
• Theatre and concert tickets
• Autographed UM football helmet Robert/Gail 
• MSU t-shirt
• Signed books
• Acupuncture, Reiki Gift Certificates
• Purple Rose gift basket
• Tile work 
• Pet daycare 
• Headwraps 
• Jewelry
• Notecards with stamps
• Pampered Chef Stoneware Bar Pan
• Survival radio
• Cordless phone and answering system
• Photo Portrait Package
• Book binding machine

AND MUCH MORE!

Join us!

Sunday, November 24, 2014

1:30 p.m.

Croswell Opera House

129 E. Maumee St.

Adrian, MI 49221

Visit this link for more information!

Happy Thanksgiving, with love,

Carrie, Ben, Logan and Paige Sayer

Please Help Ben Regain Health and Be Cancer-Free

Dear Friends,

Sudden turn of events. Ben found blood in his urine in August. He saw a urologist, had some tests, and a tumor was discovered in his bladder.

Urgent surgery was performed this week. The tumor was removed, and chemotherapy was injected into the bladder to kill any remaining cancer cells.

We now await the biopsy results.

In the meantime, our finances are in a crisis. We understood from his doctor that waiting until our insurance coverage begins January 1, 2014, could mean the difference between life and death.

Many friends have asked to contribute to our great financial need. Please take a minute and visit this website we set up. If you cannot contribute, it would also be a HUGE HELP to please share the link with your friends.

Thank you, with deep love and gratitude,
Carrie, Ben, Logan and Paige

www.youcaring.com/bensayer

The Secret to Our Joyous Unschooling Life (Hint: It's not about the kids)

Dear Friends,

We are presenting at the annual Rethinking Everything Conference for the first time this year!

We have attended the RE Conference twice before. We were newer then to the ideas and practices of unschooling.

You've come a long way, baby.

When I try to describe our whole life unschooling to other families, I am sometimes at a loss for words. "Well, it's like homeschooling, but without a curriculum," I begin, looking for some common ground using terms others have at least heard before. But that doesn't even begin to scratch the surface.

I asked Logan and Paige today what it means to them to be free.

Logan: "Play whatever we want. Not always, but sometimes. Because I don't get to play Mario sports mix when Daddy's watching the Tigers game. Could we go down and play that right now?"

Paige: "Eat what we want."

Their ability to simply BE in the present moment is one of my favorite things in the world. I strive to emulate this.

The longer we unschool, the more I forget in some ways that it is so novel...until I exchange dialogue with mainstream parents. And answer their fears. And get long looks from fellow restaurant-goers first to figure out if Logan is a boy or girl, and then when they get he's a boy, a long look at me as to what kind of mother I am.

Here's the kind of mother I strive to be, and most of the time am: open, loving, YES-AND..., encouraging, nurturing, joyful, peaceful.

"Be the change you want to see," I've heard. "Model the behavior you want to see in your kids." But I don't want to change Logan and Paige. And I don't even consider them "my" kids. Logan and Paige are unique individuals with whom Ben and I have been blessed with the opportunity to share our lives.

It is not my wish to point out what I do NOT do. That's a lot of negatives to keep track of. "I don't tell them what or when to eat." "I don't tell them when to go to bed." "I don't spank or dole out punishments or limit screen time."

I'm not in charge of Logan and Paige. I'm not in charge of Ben. I'm in charge of me. And my best parenting and person-ing comes when I chill. When I cut myself some slack. When I do my best to unlearn a bunch of social agreements our generation (and many before them) have decreed as necessary and desirable.

Ben introduced me to The Four Agreements, by don Miguel Ruiz. Brilliant. I highly recommend it. The wisdom in this book is common sense and simple and profound.

Ben and I have broken innumerable small agreements. We asked ourselves, for example, what's the big deal if:

• Paige and Logan wear pajamas to the library
• I leave towels unfolded in the drawer
• Logan has the longest hair in the family
• we stay up 'til 4 a.m.
• my face is natural and free of make-up -- unless I feel like wearing it for a special event, and then it's fun to get decorated
• we sometimes eat popcorn for breakfast and toast for dinner and chili at midnight
• we transformed our kitchen table into an art center
• we eat meals on the couch
• Logan and Paige choose all their own clothes, and food, and toys, and how to spend their money, and whether or not they leave the house
• and so many more....

We've joyously broken bigger agreements:

• no school
• no rules, other than safety--no harm to yourself or others
• Ben leaving corporate America and working from home instead

I consider myself a leader in our family. A co-leader with Ben. Yes, we have more life experience. So, wisdom can be helpful, useful, and informative. There's a time and place for it. Unsolicited advice is not necessarily appealing, just like for anyone. And I sure don't consider my life experience to give me license to be in charge of and run Logan's and Paige's lives.

Ben and I lead by example. Not to change Logan and Paige. To simply be our best selves. To shed as many of society's anti-nature agreements as we become aware of. My purpose for existence (thanks to RE presenter John Strelecky for this wisdom) is to inspire others to do and be their best. I strive to do this everywhere, all the time, to the best of my ability.

Ben and I create an environment in which Logan and Paige are able to be in their natural state as much possible. To listen to their body, their soul, their mind, their instincts, their gut. And the more aware I am about living that way myself, the better it is for all of us.

Those old agreements keep coming up in lots of ways. I remain peacefully vigilant to notice when they appear. And break them. >snap< >snap< >snap< Like little pretzels.

• People shouldn't wear underwear under their bathing suits. >snap!<
• Kids should be able to wipe their own bottoms when they're 7. >snap!< (Note: anything with age-related expectations -- PAY CLOSE ATTENTION. It's verrrrrrrry likely they are unnecessary and undesirable and limiting and spirit-breaking agreements that >snap!< we can easily choose to break.)
• Mommies shouldn't wear slippers to the gas station. >snap!<

See how easy that was? Also, I'll state the obvious: should and shouldn't are often dead give-aways for agreements we can pay attention to and >snap!< break when we realize them for what they are: conforming spirit-breakers.

I have my challenges, failures, pitfalls, and blindspots, too. (Um, I'll have to let you know in the future what my blindspots are, since I don't know what they are yet.) I struggle with my own list of social agreements, usually having to do with just me. I'm a lot more chill about Logan and Paige than I am about myself. It's a good thing to pay attention to and keep working on!

• body image (dang those magazines and photoshopped images of women's bodies)
• age-appropriate fashion (see what I mean about the age thing?) -- however, I am proud to proclaim my reclamation of pigtails, mini-skirts, floral hair accessories and short shorts.
• what other people think of me (I love to be loved, and I allow it to stress me out when others don't. Workin' on it.)
• I should (there it is) spend every waking moment paying attention to Logan and Paige.
• I should WANT to spend every waking moment paying attention to Logan and Paige. (That makes about as much sense as, since I am a vegetarian, I should love every vegetable and want to eat all of them every day.)
• fears -- specifically germophobia, claustrophobia, moments of agoraphobia. All are improving, all are part of the ongoing process of healing; disagreeing with social agreements in the most positive, powerful way; and self-actualizing.

Bottom line: I strive to be my best possible self. Some of the stuff I carry forward is really cool and fun and carefree and joyful. Other stuff is obviously a drag and easy to let go of. A portion of stuff is continually being uncovered by living life intimately connected with Ben, Logan and Paige. I thank God for every one of those eye-opening moments, that AHA! >SNAP!< opportunity to recognize an old agreement that inhibits me and/or could inhibit Logan and Paige and Ben, too. I embrace each discovery as I embrace these wonderful children and husband in my life.

I can't wait to go to RE this year. In the past, I entered kind of bewildered, in awe, and feeling on the coattails of the unschooling movement. Now, I've been living it for eight years. The changes Ben and I have undergone to be better parents and better people are so integral to who we are, they're sometimes as difficult to describe as what my lungs and heart and brain look like.

I dunno. Ask yourself: How do you feel when you're with me? Do we resonate? Let's connect and share and support and encourage and uncover and discover and break agreements and live freely and openly and lovingly and play together. These are all super cool things to look forward to at RE 2013. See you there!

love,

Carrie

Happy Independence Day!

Dear Friends,

Happy Independence Day! Let Freedom reign!

Today is a super significant day for our family. It marks the one-year anniversary of our family's freedom.

Exactly one year ago today, October 21, 2011, Ben walked out of corporate life and into our loving, waiting arms.

We realized our family could not be free until every member of our family is free.

Here is a brief family interview:

What does freedom mean to you?

Paige: To me it means playing all day. And something else about freedom, is to watch shows all night until I want to be in a burrito shell.

Logan: What freedom means to me is that all of us are together.

What does freedom look like to you?

Logan: It looks like all of us being together and doing whatever we want.

Paige: Yes, what Logan said.

Carrie: Piles of peanut butter cookies. Playing baseball at the park together. Stacks of markers and fresh paper close by. Kissing Ben anytime of the day. Sharing ordinary events, like snacking on toast and watching Survivorman. Sharing extraordinary events, like Paige mastering a somersault and Logan losing a tooth. Crocheting. Cuddling. Hugging.

What does freedom feel like?

Logan: It feels nice. It's the only thing that feels perfect for me. Being together feels perfect to me.

Paige: It feels like being home all day and staying with the family all day.

Carrie: Relaxing. Grounding. Whole. Complete. Joy. Peace. Secure.

What is different now from one year ago?

Paige: Daddy's not working. [to Ben:] Now we can be with you, and you can still work, and all you have to do is be at home.

Logan: I'm much happier now that Daddy's home.

Carrie: Memories are created together and shared in the moment, rather than reporting them at the end of each day to Ben. The pining is gone. The longing to be together has been fulfilled. I missed Ben so much. I wished with every fiber of my being for him to not get into the car and rush 70 m.p.h. every morning to a cubicle doing work he didn't care about that wasn't going to change the world or fulfill any of his dreams.

What did we do to make it happen?

Carrie: Having faith. Trusting each other. Being open to opportunities the universe provides. Knowing our hearts' desires would be fulfilled. Shedding the dream of the planet, daring to live out our passions. Being in the present moment, together. Nothing compares to that. In our safe home, cozy, connected. Oh, and downsizing.

We've learned to live and love together. Compromises. Negotiations. Meeting everyone's needs. Consensus.

Ben pointed out you can be together in a jail cell, but it's not the same thing as true freedom. So, beyond getting to share time and space, the context matters. A critical part of freedom is to be free from scores of rules, of others' dictating how your time is spent. And with that freedom comes responsibility, to make choices that continue to support our family and our freedom.

I am now able to more freely follow my passions and fulfill my life's purpose: to inspire others to do and be their best. Directing, coaching, performing all fit the criteria: "Would I do this even if I weren't being paid?" YES! I love what I do. And I love that what I do provides value to others, so that in turn, I am able to earn a living doing what I love. Ben being home creates the opportunity for me to say yes to these opportunities.

During our most recent complete trip around the sun, Ben has been working on genealogy practices and software. I've opened my own teaching studio in Dexter. We are together every day. I no longer feel like a single parent for the majority of each day. I have more time to cook, to chill, to crochet, to sing, to play, and sooooo much more time and reason to laugh.

I love Ben. I love our family. I love our freedom. I love connecting and creating and being. I am so grateful for our supportive parents, friends, unschooling family, free-thinkers, and courageous mentors. I hope we inspire you in turn to find ways to let freedom reign in your own life.

Love,
Carrie

Harness the Power of a Good Hair Day

Dear Friends,

Bangs? Layers? Highlights? Permanent color? Semi-permanent glaze?

There are so many decisions to make when it comes to hair beauty.

Believe it or not, the same person has been cutting my hair since 1995. I lived out of state for four years, and even planned vacations home to Michigan around my haircut schedule. Seriously.

Have you ever pored over fashion magazines for just the perfect cut and color? Have you ever brought said photographs into your stylist, and come out looking nothing like the picture?

Okay, stylists are not miracle workers. Don't expect to leave suddenly transformed into Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Hudson, or Jennifer Lopez (all admirable hair trend-setters). But do have an idea of what you like and be ready to have a pragmatic dialogue with your stylist about what your hair can and cannot do.

I have been blessed with the talents of Peter Bokanoski at A Peter James Salon for 17 years. Seventeen years! This person has seen me through relationships, marriage, children, career changes, geographic moves, grad school, apprenticeship, funerals...and many hairstyles over the years.

Does anyone else mark time by noting, "Oh, that event occurred when I still had short hair," or, "I remember that event, I was having a good hair day"?

Fortunately, due to the talents, patience, and inspiration of Peter, I have experienced many good hair days. You know, when I apply myself. I have gone from single and dating (read: time and motivation to do my hair daily), to married before children (take the time to fuss with my hair, while my husband and I still have time to look at each other), to mother of two young children (yeah, Ponytails 'r' Us), to getting back into auditioning and being presentable in public (hair gets styled approximately once per month).

I love Peter. I love his advice. I love his haircuts. He is an artist and a friend. People compliment me on my hair, and I attribute this to lucky genes, effective styling products, and the expertise of my stylist, Peter, and my colorist, Gary Lemming.

So, consider this my Valentine to Peter and Gary at A Peter James Salon. Consider this also as encouragement to pamper yourself and use some of your Christmas money to treat your hair to the very best.

Peter always comes up with flattering styles, Gary does natural color for me, and I leave feeling great. Bonus: scheduling my hair appointment on the same day as an audition! They can get me all dolled up, and all I have to do is sit there and get caught up on celebrity gossip in People magazine.

As a mother with young children, I have found this to be especially kind to show some self-love by going to the salon. It's like a mini-version of participating in TLC's What Not To Wear. Stacy and Clinton would be proud of the attention I allow to be focused on myself a couple of hours, every few months.

So, in preparation for my hair appointment next week, I will be poring over In Style magazine (it has mysteriously been delivered to me -- actually to Ben -- for the past two months. Did somebody gift this to me?). I will be considering bangs, how much length to get trimmed, how realistic is it to go permanent with my base color. I am looking forward to being treated like a queen for an afternoon.

And I especially look forward to feeling fabulous afterward, not just for having a fresh hairstyle and highlights, but for having prioritized some "Mommy's needs are important, too, even for pampering" time!

P.S. I see on their homepage, A Peter James Salon is having a new client special. Join me over there sometime. You'll be glad you did, and both of us will get a discount on our services!

If You Build It, They Will Come

Dear Friends,

Fabulous news! We have made one of my dreams a reality: I now have a beautiful, new studio for teaching private acting and singing lessons!

When we chose to buy this home last year in Dexter, Michigan, one of the big draws was the giant space in the back of the two-car garage. At the time, it was a woodworking shop, with a concrete floor, dark wood paneling, shop lights, and lots of sawdust.

Flash forward nearly one year later (we moved here February 2011): The paneling is gone, the drop ceiling is gone, the sawdust is certainly long gone. My husband, Ben, along with my stepfather and our good friend Dan, have transformed the woodworking shop into a lovely, cheerful, creative space. We are attracting students for singing, playing and realizing dreams.

My purpose for existence is to inspire others to do and be their best. The studio is perfect for helping others reach their own performance goals and exploring their passions.

Please visit my website, CarrieJay.com designed by Ben! Tell all your friends!

Another piece of this lovely mosaic forming our family's lives is that Ben left his 9 to 5 corporate job several weeks ago. He, too, is exploring his passions and reawakening his creative talents. These include web-based entrepreneurial pursuits, drawing, SCUBA diving and photography. If you would like to know about camera choices, you can visit his new website, too!

I already have several new students coming to my studio, and we are getting a taste of a new rhythm in our family. Ben is home, spending more time with Logan and Paige. I am feeling more rounded and fully alive still getting to be Mommy a lot, while helping to develop others' talents and careers, literally in my own backyard. Logan and Paige are completely at peace. Ben and I are thrilled to explore these virtually uncharted territories of breaking old agreements and actively choosing to no longer participate in the Rat Race. We are delving into the wilderness of our hearts and passions, and discovering how to make a living while living freely.

Join us in freedom! Share your stories of stepping outside of mainstream, living on the edge instead of in the box or even outside of it! Tell about your self-actualization journey and that of your family.

We could not have made these brave lifestyle changes if it hadn't been for your literal en-couragement. So, thank you, friends, for your love and enthusiasm. Know that we are radiating it back to you tenfold and with wishes to explore your own wild, uncharted terrain!

love,
Carrie and clan

T.G.I.F.* (*Freedom Day)

Dear Friends,

I wish I could record and share with you Paige's "gargly-crabby voice."

Phonetically, I guess it would look something like this: "Grrrr-owwlll, grrrr-aaaaghhh, woooooo, ssssttttpp, grrrr-AAAHHHHH!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I've been gone the past five evenings, what with Encore business, directing class, rehearsals for It's A Wonderful Life, Reiki training, and an unschooling advocacy teleseminar. All good stuff, and yes, I've been gone a lot, so Paige is missing me.

She is expressing her disappointment, sadness, and longing in the best way she can: with growls, grunts, howls, and yelps. And her whole body is involved in self-expression. If she were in an acting class, the teacher would declare her "Brilliant!"

And, of course, she is. Paige in her fourth year is the purest, blessedly least domesticated of our family, and she is perfection in spirit. I learn from her every day ways to return to my truest, undomesticated, authentic self.

So, if you ask me how I feel on the eve of Ben's final day in the 9 to 5 corporate world (dubbed Freedom Day by us), my response is: "Grrrr--owwwlll, arrrrgggghhhhh, bbbblllaaaggg, ssssfffftttzzz, mmmmm-rrrrr-AAAAAAHHHHHH! GAH-GAH-Grrrrr-AHHHHHHHHH!"

I miss him so much. I yearn for him. I am grieving, howling, angry, desperate, unbridled longing, furious, sad, and AAAAGGGHHHH!

See, mere words cannot quite express how I feel.

You might expect it would be all cheerful here, you know, daisies and roses, butterflies and skipping and dancing and spinning and celebrating, but we're dealing with some grief here, too. Grieving the lost time of the past seven years apart, punctuated by evenings and weekends together, but not fully free, in the here-and-now, sharing every aspect of life. I've covered this before, so I won't get all gooey about it now. I can chalk it all up to sunk cost, and move forward.

My point is, I can feel myself letting down my guard. I am finally allowing all of the feelings I've been keeping at bay: fatigue, rust-out (see my recent post Connecting the Dots), impatience, sadness, anger. I am releasing the sheer energy it takes to hold it all together and muster through another day that is not free until we are all free.

So here it is, our family's Freedom Day. What will I do first with this new-found freedom? Draw? Bake? Organize? Catch up on phone calls? Catch up on sleep?? Maybe I'll just affix myself to Ben's shoulder koala bear-style and hang out there for a few weeks. To connect with and absorb his essence. Mmmmmmmm....

The release of energy heretofore used for surviving shall now be used for thriving. I proclaim it.

Our concrete plans include completing the studio (paint, carpet, arranging, organizing), so I can start teaching lessons again; recreating the family bed; sorting through and allowing our hearts to direct Ben's web-based business prospects; budgeting (good-bye pizza, hello home-prepared dehydrated nuts and veggies); and yes, celebrating!

There might be some growling and howling, some working through and expressing and releasing and grieving and accepting what is, what has been and what will be....and at the end of it all, we will have just this moment, in the present to rejoice and be glad and live and love.

Together. Isn't that the point?

love,
Carrie

Connecting the Dots

Dear Friends,

One of my more adaptive responses to stress is to clean.

Let's just say my house is nearly spotless right now. I'm considering re-organizing the closets. I can't wait to break down the last of our moving boxes. I am mentally combing through all of the toddler toys considering what to sell or donate or at least rejoin all of their parts that have gone astray.

All of this points to the fact we have some major life changes afoot.

I'll start with a brief summary: Two days ago, Ben asked for some flexibility in his 9 to 5 schedule. His boss's response? She ended his contract. Aaaaaand, scene!

Deep breath. We saw this coming. We have actually yearned for this. It may appear to be sudden and mysterious, but this has actually been in the making for some time.

Last year (September 2010), we attended the Rethinking Everything (RE) Conference for the first time. We connected with numerous brave, joyful, loving families who inspired us to reevaluate every aspect of our lives. We came home and began taking major steps to free our time, our finances, and our lives.

We moved to a smaller home, in a more affordable community. I jumped back into theater with both feet. Ben launched websites and learned a ton about creating value online and marketing it. We sold and donated non-essential belongings. We settled into our new home, however, Ben was now commuting even farther than before, still trading his time for money 50 plus hours each week. Life was better, but still not ideal. Logan, Paige and I experienced a degree of freedom, yet we understood none of us was free until all of us were free.

Fast forward to September 2011: We attended RE for the second time. This time I more easily selected the sessions I wanted to experience, visualized what I wanted to gain from the conference, and identified specific people I wanted to connect with. I was less overwhelmed by the setting and sheer numbers of people, and was able to settle in more smoothly with Logan and Paige as we adapted to the major shift from low-key daily life to intense, energy-charged, maximally-connected conference immersion.

I knew I wanted to know more about Law of Attraction and its intersection with unschooling and parenting. I knew I wanted to see Chris and Sarah Parent, and to meet Dayna and Joe Martin in person. I wanted to hug Barb Lundgren and experience Quinn Eaker. And I wanted to connect with John Strelecky, as his books and ideas have been a huge change-agent for us.

I also wanted to open every possibility for Logan and Paige to play and create and experiment and discover. Kid Village, art projects, take-apart electronics, scavenger hunts, the pool, bouncy Twister, games -- all of it was like Kid Heaven, and we eagerly highlighted these sessions on Ben's rockin' smartphone application.

Perhaps more than anything, I wanted Ben to have the opportunity to connect with other dads who are further along the path of self design, living out their dreams, and are joyously free.

I wanted answers, a map, a quenching of our thirst for freedom. I wanted connection and inspiration and hope.

All of this happened. I got everything I wanted, and more. One session I attended was entitled, "I Always Get Everything I Want." And that is exactly what occurred. Abundance.

I communed with the people I wished to be with. I attended my favorite sessions. The kids had a blast. And Ben made awesome connections personally and professionally (one of the hallmarks of SelfDesign -- there is no compartmentalization of our lives -- we live who we are, and create value for each other; earning a living is living in and of itself).

Attending RE, experiencing healing, gaining insights, connecting deeply, and drawing inspiration from others who are further down this road of liberation has made all the difference for us making intentional choices to be free. We couldn't do it alone, nor would we want to! We are designed to need each other, and live interdependently. Isolation is becoming a thing of the past, and I am feeling physically, emotionally and spiritually supported by an invisible network of loving friends and family.

Yet, the support isn't actually invisible: it is clearly visible in the faces and voices and writings of all of our friends.

Thank you for your invaluable encouragement, unconditional love, and courageous trailblazing!

So, here we are, no longer on the precipice of freedom, but actually having declared it. We are free!

How does it feel? Exhilarating. Scary. Hopeful. As in now with hope. Mostly, I am experiencing a deep peacefulness. I know this is what we have all longed for, and it feels right. Aligned. We are vibrating with love, peace, knowing, confidence, stillness, the presence of God at our cores. And it is good.

When I married Ben, I wanted to spend my life with him. Not just a few hours crammed in at the end of every day. Not part-time, casual. I wanted to hold him, carry him, be carried, walk, run, play hand-in-hand, live, love, laugh, experience all of Life together. I feel the same way with our children. I don't want part-time love and occasionally shared existence. When we are together, I feel whole. Every fiber of my being did not want Ben to get into the Subaru and drive an hour away from us every morning. So, he's not going to do that anymore.

What's in store? Our minds are racing, our bodies are charged, our energy is high. We can't seem to talk fast enough and can barely capture our rapid flow of ideas. Flood gates are opening, and it is amazing. It makes me realize how many ideas, connections, brainstorms, and energy we held at bay, ninety percent of the time, just trying to get through another day apart. Too much work for Ben, not enough family time. Too much single-handed parenting for me, not enough Ben and vocation time.

And now it's all becoming aligned. Our arms grew tired propping up the dull, grey cubicle walls. We no longer agree to participate in what inspirational author Don Miguel Ruiz calls The Dream of the Planet. (In a nutshell, we lose touch with our true selves in the process of becoming domesticated. We create an image of how we think we should be, in order to be accepted by others. And we judge and berate ourselves when we fall short of perfection. The secret: its all smoke and fog, a socially constructed mirage. And Ben and I are actively choosing to stop supporting this lie. We choose instead to restore our true selves who already know how to dream big, play hard, and dance as if no one's looking....More on Ruiz's The Four Agreements another time....)

So, we've taken the leap of faith, and sure, it is stressful. But that is merely a surface emotion, occuring at times when I allow my mind to participate in what John Strelecky calls "The Mad How Disease." How am I going to make a living? How am I going to get students? How are we going to choose avenues for Ben's web-based work? Instead of asking "how," we want to ask "who" and learn from those people. Trailblazers. Map makers. Dreamers. Entrepreneurs.

We have already begun to attract a huge inflow of whos and exciting possibilities. There are more options for income streams than we could possibly follow. So now we are in the delicious position of choosing what feels fun and great and energizing. We are pursuing our passions, and it is thrilling.

Join us!

I wonder how many people in unsatisfying jobs worldwide walked into work the morning after learning of brilliant Steve Jobs' untimely death (so young, so young, we chanted) and said, "I want to make a change. I am no longer willing to settle. Slavery is not noble. I am out of here, and onto bigger and better things. I want to create and follow my passions and make a difference in the world."

Rustout is the slow death that follows when we stop making the choices that keep life alive. It’s the feeling of numbness that comes from always taking the safe way, never accepting new challenges, continually surrendering to the day-to-day routine. Rustout means we are no longer growing, but at best, are simply maintaining. It implies that we have traded the sensation of life for the security of a paycheck…Rustout is the opposite of burnout. Burnout is overdoing. Rustout is underbeing.
Richard Leider

I am so done with underbeing. I am here to LIVE! And I'll take it all: the joy, the anticipation, the uncertainty, and yes, even the stress. It feels good to feel. At least now I know I'm alive, and I am ready, willing and able. Let's go for it!

Befriending Your Fears, Part I

Dear Friends,

I am beginning to befriend my fears.

I no longer fear my fears. I do not allow them power over me. This post is the beginning of sharing with you my process of overcoming my (diminishing) fear of germs and illness. My fear was borne of trauma when Paige was four weeks old.

I want to share with you a response I wrote to a local unschooling friend online, when she asked other families for advice about preventing illnesses:

Hello! I'm sorry you aren't feeling well! I know what a drag that is! 

For us, Cold Calm has been a miraculous help for symptom relief and for eliminating the cold in 1-2 days. It's homeopathic, and available at CVS. I became a lot more confident and relaxed about trying to prevent colds, once I knew I had this surefire antidote, if necessary! 

As for prevention, for me it was an intentional shift in my focus. When Paige was a baby, she caught a cold, which turned into pneumonia, which freaked me out because I was afraid she would die. This incident sparked a fear of germs for me. 

During the next two winters, I was determined to prevent any viruses or other illnesses from reaching our family. We washed hands, used Purell, disinfected shopping carts (and I mean thoroughly), minimized going out, avoided having people over, and required them to wash hands upon arrival if they came. I started a regimen of Vitamin C, echinacea, multi-vitamins, the whole nine yards, because I was intent on not getting sick. 

And do you care to guess what happened? 

At least one of us, if not all of us, were sick EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR OVER 100 DAYS. Both winters. It was craaaaazy! 

This past winter, I decided to change my focus. First, I realized no one died from the colds and flues in my family. Second, I experienced we could bounce back, and I always managed to scrape up enough energy to get through mine and my family's illnesses. Just barely, but I did it. And finally, I was just plain too tired and didn't have the energy to fight the flues anymore. I was done. And I let it go. 

The result? 

My recollection is we were not sick once. Not at all. If we were even once, I don't recall, and it wasn't notable. 

Once I stopped putting energy and attention on illness and attempting to prevent it, it simply was no longer a part of our lives. 

This month, the kids caught a cold on our trip to Texas. I did not freak out or overreact. My husband and I caught it, too, took Cold Calm, and it was over. No big deal.
This is a huge shift for me. Maybe I unconsciously attracted those previous viruses into our lives, just so I could be flooded with it, and know that we could survive no matter what. They lost their power over me. And I came through it feeling empowered and peaceful. 

Louise Hay has written a great deal about body ailments and using our intentions and affirmations to rid our bodies of dis-ease, and become our healthiest selves. (Her books are on amazon.)

Best wishes for a healthful, peaceful season:)

Whew! Join me in befriending our fears, rather than fearing them and giving them power over our selves and our lives. Going with the flow feels sooooo much better. Letting go of what we have no control over in the first place. Let's be each other's support for freeing our energy for creative pursuits, living and loving in the present moment, and inviting our fears to at least ride in the passenger seat. We may discover they end up in the back seat, and eventually at the side of the road. I hate to litter, but on the other hand, I think we will find the wind will blow them away, and we will actually see the fears for what they are: a mirage.

Love,
Carrie

Parenting Outside the Box

Dear Friends,

In my most recent blog post, I shared that I have been writing as a community blogger for the Dexter Patch, our local online newspaper. I was recently moved to respond to an opinion article in the Patch, in which another mom asked parents to weigh in on when they start assigning chores to their young children. Her article was entitled "Earning Your Keep."


In an attempt to bridge our apparent differences in parenting philosophies, I reached out across the divide and extended my own thoughts on the subject of not only chores, but how our family communicates and models responsibility for our selves.

When I am in my best space (parenting or otherwise), I am tuned into my intuition and flow in the direction of what resonates with joy in my heart. When I feel connected with my family members, I trust my inner voice and remain aligned with peaceful, loving, respectful co-existence. I put myself in their shoes, and ask myself, "If someone were asking me to help with chores around the house, how would I like to be asked?" 

If someone said to me, "You can't eat (or play or read or be with my friends) until I clean the sink or take out the trash, etc.," I would feel bummed and resentful. On the other hand, if someone invited me to do chores together, and it was a fun, joyful, shared activity, I expect I would feel honored, respected, and helpful. 

My husband and I intentionally put energy into the idea of "being the change you want to see." For us, this means on one level modeling the behaviors (i.e., doing chores, speaking respectfully, eating healthy foods, etc.) that we would hope to see in our children. To be honest that still feels manipulative, in the idea that if I do "x" my child will do "z." It is still based on attempting to shape another's behavior. 

On a deeper level, we actually strive to model self-responsibility. That translates into: when we see something that needs to be cleaned, we clean it. When we interact with others, we are respectful. We eat fruit and vegetables because they nourish our bodies. Our children naturally mimic what they observe. We all do. Kindness begets kindness. Responsibility begets responsibility. 

Our children's response to our actions is merely a by-product. Ultimately the only person any of us truly has control over is ourselves. And teaching our children to take responsibility and modeling kindness and living respectfully and healthily begins with us. Not to be an example, but to simply realize the depth and expanse and beauty of our own potential. 

In peace,
Carrie

Savoring the Bliss

Dear Friends,

When last we met via my blog posts, I was reaching out asking for help achieving my Big Five for Life!

Since then, we have indeed gratefully downsized, and moved to the smaller, more intimate Village of Dexter. It is a charming community, and we are so pleased to be here for several reasons. One is the proximity to my work at The Encore Musical Theatre Company downtown. Another is the cozy house in which we are all physically closer to each other, and very pleased to be so. And, most importantly, we have freed a great deal of our monthly financial burden, taking the pressure off of Ben and his golden handcuffs. Corporate Nine-to-Five-Land is nearly an image in our rearview mirror. Soon, we hope. With the aid of our entrepreneurial ventures, and the encouraging support of you inspiring friends.

I have not written here for the past several months, as I have been instead writing for my local online newspaper, the Dexter Patch, as a Community Blogger! We are putting out the vibe to draw more unschoolers--like-minded, peaceful, respectful, joyful families--to Dexter, Michigan. I predict becoming a community voice will have a favorable effect on establishing the Dexter-Ann Arbor area as a progressive, fun, free environment for raising children and living tribally.

We recently attended the International Rethinking Everything Conference in Dallas, Texas, and were once again moved to further reach our goal of living out ideals of freedom and responsibility.

Here is my recent gratitude list, generated days after attending the RE Conference:

http://dexter.patch.com/blog_posts/savoring-the-bliss

More soon on our developing ideas and plans for living our dreams and building a tribe.

love,
Carrie

I'm working on my Big Five for Life! Can you help me?

Dear Friends,

We have reached a critical moment in order to make some profound changes in our lives.

To my memory, this dates back to Ben's unexpected loss of employment earlier this year. Paradoxically, we had a taste of freedom during Ben's time at home for 11 weeks. Although we were uncertain of our next source of income, we were together as a family every day, and it gave us an experience of how our lives can be spent in union.

Since then, Ben has become employed in the 9-5 world, while simultaneously working passionately and diligently on web-based genealogy services to create value for others and income for our family.

Also, as most of you know, I returned to performing and assistant directing at the delightful Encore Musical Theatre this Fall.

At the Rethinking Everything Conference we attended in September, we were introduced to the concept of "Big Five for Life." One of the five most important things for me to do, see, or experience in my lifetime, is to experience life fully with my husband and children. Another is for me to be actively involved with theater and coaching.

We have decided to dramatically cut our expenses, simplify our lives, and pursue our passions. A crucial step in this process has been to make an offer on a small house in downtown Dexter. This offer has been accepted by the seller, and since the deal is contingent on the sale of our home in NE Ann Arbor, the next pivotal step is to sell our house!

Here is where you come in: Can you please help us by sharing the news of our house on the market with as many people as possible? If you've been to our home, you can also personally convey its beauty and charm to all.  Our home has just been listed today, and an open house is scheduled for this Sunday, November 14, from 2-4 p.m.

I envision a world where we all inspire each other and "real-ize" our dreams together. May I thank each of you for the many ways you have encouraged, supported and inspired me over the months and years. I hope by sharing our passions and living our dreams, our family can in turn inspire yours.

Below is my description of our home for sale, followed by the link to the realtor's site for further details. Please feel free to cut-and-paste this information! Perhaps buying this house will fulfill someone else's dream. It did mine for the past five years -- it has been my dream home. Our family has certainly filled it with love.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Carrie (and my beloved Ben, Logan and Paige)

Remarkable 4 bedroom 2.5 bathroom home for your family!

Exceptionally gorgeous wooded location, with protected natural land in front and back of home!  The lot also features a big side yard. Yet within Ann Arbor city limits. The best of both worlds!

Tucked into a private lane! Only three homes, no thru traffic!

Spacious 2978 square feet--includes 920 square foot finished basement with daylight windows, and an expansive deck!

Newer carpet (2007) in finished basement. Two giant living spaces in finished basement, PLUS with newer wood floor (2007) and built-in bookshelves!

Family room boasts genuine wood fireplace featuring cultured stone wall and oak mantel. Upgraded family room includes bump-out to generously increase living space--same bump-out is in Master bedroom suite directly overhead!

Convenient, first floor laundry room!

Kitchen features island, with outlets on either end, for additional counter space, food prep, and storage!

Brand new microwave (2010) and newer dishwasher (2008).

Formal dining room includes striking bay window!

Formal living room is big enough for two armchairs and a baby grand piano--come and see! Crown molding follows from living to dining room.

First floor bath has elegant updated sink and light fixtures.

Natural blonde wood flooring is featured in entry, formal living, dining, hall and first floor bath!

Upstairs, you are treated to a spacious Master suite, with cathedral ceiling, double sinks, walk-in closet, and deep garden tub!

The three remaining bedrooms have plenty of space for beds and belongings--and no need for dressers, with convenient built-in shelves, drawers and hanger poles in every closet! Perfect for each family member to keep clothes AND toys organized!

Upstairs second bath, hallway, entryway, Master suite, kitchen all newly professionally painted (2008)!

Two car garage, central air, oh! and a brand new roof already under contract to go on this year!

Asking price: $289,900.

This is truly a glorious, yet affordable, house your family will love in, grow in, play in, entertain in and enjoy for many years and generations.

Call today to come and see this beauty, and decide that this is the home for YOU!

Contact person: Rob Ewing, Reinhart Realty (734) 769-3800 or rob@robertewing.com

http://www.reinhartrealtors.com/find_a_home/8557282/3415_BAYSWATER_ANN_ARBOR_MI_48105

Two Wonderful Cats Available for Adoption! (Can't keep due to allergies)

Dear Friends,

Please consider adopting lovely Oscar and charming Henry!

If you cannot adopt them, could you please forward this link to all of your animal-loving friends?

We love these fabulous cats, but cannot keep them due to allergies. Ben has always been allergic, but now it turns out so is Logan, and I have also developed allergies following my pregnancy with Paige.

Oscar and Henry are exceptionally lovable and affectionate sweethearts!

Read more here!

Consider opening your heart and your home to these handsome brothers!

love,
Carrie

When Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

Dear Friends,

Well, a remarkable occurrence has...occurred. My household, really the family in it, was entirely peaceful these past two weeks. And yes, I do mean my family (no, it wasn't a visiting or housesitting family that was peaceful here; although I dare say with all of this good energy overflowing, it could last for a very long time and have a lingering effect on all who enter this serene dwelling).

You see, I have been cast in a play. A musical, actually. And, my request to assist the director has also been granted. And heck, for icing on the cake, I get to be the rehearsal stand-in for the lead for two weeks.

To say I am excited is an understatement. I am thrilled. Enlivened. I actually feel like I am getting my life back.

Let me first set a few things straight: I LOVE being a mother. It fulfills a powerful need and desire in myself to nurture and grow and discover life with these two tender-hearted beings, Logan and Paige. I have never known such deep joy and expansive love before having children. And I love my husband wholeheartedly and more deeply than ever; the gift of our children as an outgrowth of our love is a phenomenally beautiful and indescribable bond that forms our family. I am profoundly blessed.

Okay. That said, may I attempt to describe the labor that motherhood calls for, which immediately follows--and extends for years beyond--the initial childbirthing-type of labor? I'm talking about the all-consuming, 100 percent giving of yourself, you-are-entirely-responsible-for-another-human-being (or two, or more) kind of immersive experience here. You nurse and nurture and feed and hold and comfort and love these babies, who verrrrrrrry gradually start to become surprisingly independent beings. Time stops. Five years pass.  You come up for air, look around, and you see: two young people feeding themselves! Two young people using the toilet! Two young people riding off in the van with Daddy for a trip to the park while you get ready for an audition!

Yep, I dusted off my performance resume a few weeks ago, got a shower, and had two hands free to put on make-up and curl my hair; I even painted my nails neatly with one dark color (rather than two different pastels, tenderly and adorably messily applied by two toddlers on each hand--which I secretly prefer because it's a sweet reminder of how much fun we have together!).

The draw to audition and perform (which are really the same thing--every audition is a performance opportunity, as most of you would agree), nearly defies description as well. For me, it is a yearning, a hunger, a passion that needs to be fulfilled. I have almost entirely held this passion at bay for the past five years, in order to prioritize childrearing, with a few fun exceptions: I played Charlotte, the spider; I had a principle role in an independent film; I was vocal director for Wild Swan's Christmas Carol (twice). I have also done some private coaching and teaching, but primarily my focus has been on full-time mommying. And I wouldn't change a thing in these past five years! My children are healthy, happy, connected...and now may I add exceptionally peaceful?

It turns out you can ignore Mama's needs only so long. 'Cuz when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Unbeknownst to me (alright, my unconscious mind already had it figured out, I just had to tune in), I had grown increasingly irritable, agitated, impatient--well, you get the picture--over I'd say, the past year. I thought it was due to inevitable stresses of parenting two children, and dealing with natural sibling jealousy and frankly pretty minor disputes (squabbles over toys being the big recurring theme there). Just all of these challenging aspects of daily life had been building up and bugging me more and more over the last year or so. I chalked it up to "that's just the way it is" and figured I can just muscle through it.

Then, I got a call to come to a callback audition at Jewish Ensemble Theater for the role of a model. Long story short, the entire family pulled together to make it happen. I got there, did it (hey, just like riding a bike!), and afterwards felt...different. Alive. I had awakened a dormant part of me. And I discovered: I AM READY TO RETURN TO THE STAGE. I felt beautiful and capable and strong and empowered and joyful and peaceful!

When the auditions came up soon after for Damn Yankees, my first thought was, "Well, nope, too bad I can't go, but that's just the way it is right now...." And then my inner voice said, "Hey! You're going! You can do this! It's time!" Ben lovingly agreed to help make not only the audition, but also the show work, should I get cast.

Flash forward to getting the message from the theater's Associate Artistic Director inviting me to be part of the production, in the ways I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Wow. I mean, WOW! I felt instantly transformed into this cool, relaxed, Zen, in-the-zone, fully present, peaceful person. I've had lots of moments like this, days even, but soon thereafter I'd find myself grouchy and easily irritated again. What I've discovered now is I am happier not only as I prepare for the show, but also in my parenting. I'm this chill mom, and the amazing result? So are Logan and Paige.

Now, as I said, no sibling issues were ever quite awful or intense, but there were at least daily frictions and chafing and territory concerns, etc. However, in the past two weeks, there has been not a single dispute, irritable word or deed, among anyone in the entire family. I am kind of pleasantly stunned. I mean, I knew in theory that children are highly attuned to parents' (particularly the primary caregiver's, which of course in our family means Mama's) emotions. But, man, it's true!

I realize I had been attributing my annoyances and negative vibes to external sources, but it actually comes right down to me and my attitude. Breaking news, right? Of course not! But I have to share with you that to finally experience continuous peace and to feel it flow through my Self and my family is delightful, uplifting, and something I want to hold onto (or more precisely, perennially release) for a good, long time. In fact, let's stay here, in this exqusite state I'll call Zen. Because now I have the best of both worlds: family-focused Mommy and capable, passionate performer with so many gifts to share.

So look out, theater world: I'm back, and I'm staying!

Of course, I am going to need lots of encouragement and support (and childcare) from you friends to pull this off. Because I know when I look at those two angelic, peaceful, dear faces, it may be difficult to leave the house for rehearsals some days. But I need to remember the reason there is such peace and joy flowing right now through our family: I have hope, I am living out my passions, and I am, after all, the hub of this family. So naturally the flip side of "If Mama ain't happy..." is "When Mama is happy--and her needs are also being met--this is a very, very great place to be." So, come on over, and come see the show, and feel the love.

High School Reunion: Past Meets Present

Dear Friends,

What is it about reunions that brings up so many mixed emotions?

I just found out that my high school is having a multi-class reunion (Classes of 1980-1990), to be held in merely two weeks.

For some reason, I would like to have had this news several months ago, in order to adjust to the idea. Why? What is the mental adjustment I need to make in order to feel entirely comfortable and joyous about the occasion? What would a few months buy me?

I have to admit that part of it is physical appearance. I'd love to slip into the perfect little black dress I wore to my 20-year reunion, but after bearing and nursing two children within the past five years, that just ain't gonna happen. For the record, the shoes don't fit, either. And, when was the last time I wore heels? (I actually do know the answer to this: it was for an audition two weeks ago. But before that...?) Can my usually barefooted or sandaled feet still balance in heels? Anyway, I doubt I could have successfully whipped this tired, mothering body into some svelte, pre-mommy, size 4 form in time for the reunion. Isn't "curvy" the new black?

But why does that matter anyway? High school is such a depressing breeding ground for judging people on appearances. Brands matter. Perfectly feathered hair (in the 80's) mattered. Designer jeans, tasteful rainbows (might that not be an oxymoron now?), the cool car, the unblemished skin, all of these physical, superficial things seemed to matter a great deal. In what? The high school pecking order?

Thinking of a reunion brings up all kinds of insecurities. Am I attractive enough? Am I cool enough? Am I athletic enough? Am I funny enough? Am I talented enough? And add to that now as an adult: Am I successful enough?

And the social aspect: Will people talk to me? Find me interesting? Will the cool kids still hang out together, or will boundaries have been loosened between old cliques? Will I be able to drop my former ideas of who my classmates were, and embrace you they've become? Or, is it better and more realistic to merely add information via this fresh reunion experience to what we already know about each other?

Here is the really cool thing at the bottom of it all: There is a freedom in reconnecting and nurturing those "old" high school friendships. These people know me. I mean, we were together many hours every day for years. Believe me, these friends have seen me at my worst and best. Silly, crabby, moody, funny, hurt, in love, out of love, rejected, admired, thrilled, defeated, triumphant--they've seen it all. There really is nothing to hide from these people. I couldn't possibly, because they know my roots. We know each other's roots. And through it all, we had each other's backs. And actually, we still do.

One undeniable bond was sheer survival of our institutionalized education. Now, pretty much all of us survived high school, and some of us even thrived. But there is a unique bonding that occurs when people are thrown together in such challenging circumstances.

Part of the challenge is facing who I was at 17, and who I am now. Have I fulfilled my dreams of my youth? Am I proud of where I am in my life right now? Does my adult self live up to the expectations I had over 20 years ago? Could I have pictured myself as the adult I am now, when I was only 17?

A major discovery I've made in the past several days since finding out about my reunion surprises me: I am excited to go. Despite the insecurities, the musings, the uncertainties, the anxieties, I am really looking forward to being there. I love my friends. I love myself, both the teenager and the woman I am today. I love the memory I have of the freedom I felt at 17 with my whole adult life ahead of me. I had none of the kinds worries I have today (oh, a couple of examples: Will the kids get sick again if I take them to the Hands-On Museum? How will I ever get the entire house cleaned at one shot? Will my husband and I return to weekly date-nights at some point? Will I remember to introduce myself as "Carrie," or will I slip and say, "I'm Mommy.")

Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly had plenty of worries at 17 (college, moving, grades, deadlines, performances, major life changes, graduation). But there was a feeling of optimism, invincibility and energy that I'd like to introduce back into my life now as a middle-aged adult. Reunions are a good reminder for self-reflection: particularly seeing yourself through your classmates' eyes. And as adults, I believe that is a good thing. I am filled with goodwill toward my friends, both their teenage selves and their current adult versions, whom I can't wait to see.

So, if I had more time to prepare for the reunion, it would be for emotional rather than physical reasons. Now the anticipated anxieties seem rather trifling: How do I encapsulate 20 or so years of life past high school into palatable sound bites for cocktail conversation at the reunion? Eh, I know how to cover the highlights. Those who are also parents will have common ground for relating. I'll be armed with photos of my family on my iPhone.

Speaking of photos: May I just add how helpful Facebook is at times like these? Now we can browse each other's walls, photos, and information, which really lessens potential shocks of what we all look like now vs. our 17-year-old selves, and covers a lot of ground about kids, cities, partners, business ventures, etc. Facebook provides a foundation for conversation, actually, as long as you do your homework.

With Facebook lessening the chance of those embarrassing, "I don't recognize you!" moments, it also affords an opportunity for a little pre-wiring. We can message each other, maybe lay the groundwork to skip small talk by establishing an online connection, and you can even ask your friends what they plan to wear.

I'll be proudly wearing an updated Little Black Dress, celebrating my current Mommy curves, rocking sensible heels, and having a marvelous time re-connecting with these dear old friends who know me intimately from my formative years. I trust we will have no trouble quickly and easily catching up, laughing over old times, reinforcing old bonds and forming new ones. This will of course lay the groundwork for the next reunion 10 years down the road. I should have plenty of time to get ready for that one.

Exceptional Opportunity! Two Hypo-Allergenic Siberians for Adoption!

Dear Friends,

Well, in 5 months time, the new kitties, Neko and Darwin, have not been able to settle into their new home here with Oscar and Henry. Actually, it turns out that Henry, in particular, is quite territorial, and has been waging war, not peace.

Neko and Darwin are wonderful cats, and will be an exceptional addition to the right animal-loving, sensitive, lap-offering, playful family who has no other cats or dogs. This is an especially terrific opportunity for someone who is allergic to cats, but has never been able to adopt! Neko and Darwin are PUREBRED SIBERIANS, which means they are HYPO-ALLERGENIC!

Here is a link to my posting on craigslist:

http://annarbor.craigslist.org/pet/1778422902.html

Let me know if you are interested or know someone who might be!

Clockwatching 101

Dear Friends,

The battery ran out on my kitchen wall clock last week. I'm not going to replace it. It is now perennially 7:30 in my kitchen. Take your pick of a.m. or p.m. (It's analogue.)

Is anyone else sick of watching the clock during the day? And by sick, I mean exhausted, wrung-out, burned out, just plain kind of done?

I'm talking about those loooooooong hours between, say, 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. You know, those late afternoon hours that have you swearing (in more ways than one) that an extra day got slipped in there somehow? You started out just great, lots of energy (or coffee, for those who rely on caffeine to get through the sleepy times of the day), you hit your stride around 10 a.m., so far, so good; then it's lunch, hey, that's not so bad, halfway there, get your next energy boost (or cup of coffee) after digesting for a bit, return some calls, sink into the afternoon's tasks or activities, then BAM! You think for sure it's about quittin' time--or time for your honey to call and tell you he's on his way home--and GEEZ! It's only 3 p.m. DANG! Who jammed what feels like an entire extra day onto what should be the end of this one? Because it's going to require about 8 more hours worth of energy to get through the next three.


Are you as fed up as I am with those BAM! GEEZ! DANG! days?


"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"


I do not want to live my life like that! I love my life! I love my kids! In theory, I want to be with them every second of every day, to soak up and share and discover and explore and just be together.

Well, that's all well and good, but I'll tell you what: I watch that clock from 3 p.m. on many days. When will Ben be home? When will I get a shower? When do I get a break? How am I going to prepare a (wholesome) meal, while monitoring two equally exhausted toddlers, who are also on the cranky downslide to 6 p.m., awaiting the rejuvenating air Ben's evening arrival inevitably brings to our home?

And, I know from personal experience as a former cubicle worker that many of you office-dwellers feel the same way. I've watched clocks on industrial walls just as studiously and--don't bother to forgive the pun--minutely as the clock on my kitchen wall now as a stay-at-home mom.

Today, I taped a little piece of paper over each remaining (working) clock on my microwave and oven displays. I now realize I should write a little reminder to myself on those slips, some affirmation or reassurance or Carpe Diem message. I know I'll see it, because I catch myself glancing there by habit regularly.

What should the message read? Hmmm....ideas....perhaps: Live in the Moment. Peace. Be Open to Divine Inspiration.

Time is merely an arbitrary device to help us track our time here on Earth anyway, isn't it? I get that it's useful if you want to meet friends at a certain time, or arrive at a play or movie before it starts, and such....but, sigh. I know I want to stay present as often as possible in the here and now. Time to break out my Zen books.

In the meantime, let me share some moments when I have experienced that complete presence of mind, body, soul:

labor and childbirth
one on one with Ben
coloring
play-doh with Logan and Paige
movies
watching Glee
acting...especially those shows with a long run, you don't ever have to think
oh, but also an understudy gig I went onstage for one week...all senses were completely open and present
kissing my newborn babies
directing and vocal/acting coaching...love it, love it, love it
tennis: keep your eye on the ball
singing

What do these experiences have in common for me? Presence, energy, joy, peace, intrigue, faith, connection, alertness, immersion...

Now, to enter that land as often as possible...

Do what you love, the money will follow.


Ben, Logan, Paige and I are on a journey to live our lives fully present every day, together. We are exploring. We are rethinking everything. In fact, we are attending the 14th International Rethinking Everything Conference this September in Dallas/Ft.Worth, Texas! You know, come to think of it, the kids are already living this way. So, for Ben and me, it is more of a relearning process, or perhaps a process of unlearning social convention. It's time to think outside the box and put a life together for ourselves, with inspiration from others who have travelled a similar path. Ben is putting together his own list of experiences and passions that speak to his heart and fuel him and in which he finds himself wholly present. It's fun to discover and remember and tune in! Let's see where our lists coincide and then brainstorm together ways to create value for others, in order to earn our livelihood together, including Logan and Paige.

My vision is no more long days without Ben. Our family wants and needs to be together. Will there be opportunities for solo ventures, too? Absolutely. But those will be by choice, not dictated by wage-slavery. You see, we had a taste of freedom during those 11 weeks Ben was unemployed. Even though he was working feverishly to get his web-based genealogy application launched (in case that turned out to be our only immediate source of income) he was still at home. Logan and Paige became accustomed to a daily rhythm that included Daddy. And frankly, so did I. I got to swoop in with hugs and kisses whenever I wanted to. I was able to nap most days. I showered. I had time to prepare nice meals. However, we definitely needed to work more on playing.

I have faith that we can create income for our household by doing the things we love, and become self-actualized in the process, and grow even closer together as a family, while meeting everyone's needs. Theater, creativity, art, business, music, relationships, connections, unschooling, personal growth, fulfillment, passions, dreams, presence.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I'll admit I did just sneak one little peek at the clock on my laptop, and I need to go to sleep! Paige has been asleep for four hours, and I'd better follow my advice to all mommies: sleep when the baby (or toddler) does.

Stay tuned, my friends. We are on a really cool journey, and invite you to come along with us. For me, it all starts with becoming more deeply aware of my passions and dreams and how to live them out. How to construct a life that answers the call to LIVE life to its fullest. And, I'll tell you right now, clockwatching is not part of the new vision.

Let your clock batteries run out. Don't replace them. See what happens next.