T.G.I.F.* (*Freedom Day)

Dear Friends,

I wish I could record and share with you Paige's "gargly-crabby voice."

Phonetically, I guess it would look something like this: "Grrrr-owwlll, grrrr-aaaaghhh, woooooo, ssssttttpp, grrrr-AAAHHHHH!"

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I've been gone the past five evenings, what with Encore business, directing class, rehearsals for It's A Wonderful Life, Reiki training, and an unschooling advocacy teleseminar. All good stuff, and yes, I've been gone a lot, so Paige is missing me.

She is expressing her disappointment, sadness, and longing in the best way she can: with growls, grunts, howls, and yelps. And her whole body is involved in self-expression. If she were in an acting class, the teacher would declare her "Brilliant!"

And, of course, she is. Paige in her fourth year is the purest, blessedly least domesticated of our family, and she is perfection in spirit. I learn from her every day ways to return to my truest, undomesticated, authentic self.

So, if you ask me how I feel on the eve of Ben's final day in the 9 to 5 corporate world (dubbed Freedom Day by us), my response is: "Grrrr--owwwlll, arrrrgggghhhhh, bbbblllaaaggg, ssssfffftttzzz, mmmmm-rrrrr-AAAAAAHHHHHH! GAH-GAH-Grrrrr-AHHHHHHHHH!"

I miss him so much. I yearn for him. I am grieving, howling, angry, desperate, unbridled longing, furious, sad, and AAAAGGGHHHH!

See, mere words cannot quite express how I feel.

You might expect it would be all cheerful here, you know, daisies and roses, butterflies and skipping and dancing and spinning and celebrating, but we're dealing with some grief here, too. Grieving the lost time of the past seven years apart, punctuated by evenings and weekends together, but not fully free, in the here-and-now, sharing every aspect of life. I've covered this before, so I won't get all gooey about it now. I can chalk it all up to sunk cost, and move forward.

My point is, I can feel myself letting down my guard. I am finally allowing all of the feelings I've been keeping at bay: fatigue, rust-out (see my recent post Connecting the Dots), impatience, sadness, anger. I am releasing the sheer energy it takes to hold it all together and muster through another day that is not free until we are all free.

So here it is, our family's Freedom Day. What will I do first with this new-found freedom? Draw? Bake? Organize? Catch up on phone calls? Catch up on sleep?? Maybe I'll just affix myself to Ben's shoulder koala bear-style and hang out there for a few weeks. To connect with and absorb his essence. Mmmmmmmm....

The release of energy heretofore used for surviving shall now be used for thriving. I proclaim it.

Our concrete plans include completing the studio (paint, carpet, arranging, organizing), so I can start teaching lessons again; recreating the family bed; sorting through and allowing our hearts to direct Ben's web-based business prospects; budgeting (good-bye pizza, hello home-prepared dehydrated nuts and veggies); and yes, celebrating!

There might be some growling and howling, some working through and expressing and releasing and grieving and accepting what is, what has been and what will be....and at the end of it all, we will have just this moment, in the present to rejoice and be glad and live and love.

Together. Isn't that the point?

love,
Carrie

Clockwatching 101

Dear Friends,

The battery ran out on my kitchen wall clock last week. I'm not going to replace it. It is now perennially 7:30 in my kitchen. Take your pick of a.m. or p.m. (It's analogue.)

Is anyone else sick of watching the clock during the day? And by sick, I mean exhausted, wrung-out, burned out, just plain kind of done?

I'm talking about those loooooooong hours between, say, 3 p.m. and 6 p.m. You know, those late afternoon hours that have you swearing (in more ways than one) that an extra day got slipped in there somehow? You started out just great, lots of energy (or coffee, for those who rely on caffeine to get through the sleepy times of the day), you hit your stride around 10 a.m., so far, so good; then it's lunch, hey, that's not so bad, halfway there, get your next energy boost (or cup of coffee) after digesting for a bit, return some calls, sink into the afternoon's tasks or activities, then BAM! You think for sure it's about quittin' time--or time for your honey to call and tell you he's on his way home--and GEEZ! It's only 3 p.m. DANG! Who jammed what feels like an entire extra day onto what should be the end of this one? Because it's going to require about 8 more hours worth of energy to get through the next three.


Are you as fed up as I am with those BAM! GEEZ! DANG! days?


"I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"


I do not want to live my life like that! I love my life! I love my kids! In theory, I want to be with them every second of every day, to soak up and share and discover and explore and just be together.

Well, that's all well and good, but I'll tell you what: I watch that clock from 3 p.m. on many days. When will Ben be home? When will I get a shower? When do I get a break? How am I going to prepare a (wholesome) meal, while monitoring two equally exhausted toddlers, who are also on the cranky downslide to 6 p.m., awaiting the rejuvenating air Ben's evening arrival inevitably brings to our home?

And, I know from personal experience as a former cubicle worker that many of you office-dwellers feel the same way. I've watched clocks on industrial walls just as studiously and--don't bother to forgive the pun--minutely as the clock on my kitchen wall now as a stay-at-home mom.

Today, I taped a little piece of paper over each remaining (working) clock on my microwave and oven displays. I now realize I should write a little reminder to myself on those slips, some affirmation or reassurance or Carpe Diem message. I know I'll see it, because I catch myself glancing there by habit regularly.

What should the message read? Hmmm....ideas....perhaps: Live in the Moment. Peace. Be Open to Divine Inspiration.

Time is merely an arbitrary device to help us track our time here on Earth anyway, isn't it? I get that it's useful if you want to meet friends at a certain time, or arrive at a play or movie before it starts, and such....but, sigh. I know I want to stay present as often as possible in the here and now. Time to break out my Zen books.

In the meantime, let me share some moments when I have experienced that complete presence of mind, body, soul:

labor and childbirth
one on one with Ben
coloring
play-doh with Logan and Paige
movies
watching Glee
acting...especially those shows with a long run, you don't ever have to think
oh, but also an understudy gig I went onstage for one week...all senses were completely open and present
kissing my newborn babies
directing and vocal/acting coaching...love it, love it, love it
tennis: keep your eye on the ball
singing

What do these experiences have in common for me? Presence, energy, joy, peace, intrigue, faith, connection, alertness, immersion...

Now, to enter that land as often as possible...

Do what you love, the money will follow.


Ben, Logan, Paige and I are on a journey to live our lives fully present every day, together. We are exploring. We are rethinking everything. In fact, we are attending the 14th International Rethinking Everything Conference this September in Dallas/Ft.Worth, Texas! You know, come to think of it, the kids are already living this way. So, for Ben and me, it is more of a relearning process, or perhaps a process of unlearning social convention. It's time to think outside the box and put a life together for ourselves, with inspiration from others who have travelled a similar path. Ben is putting together his own list of experiences and passions that speak to his heart and fuel him and in which he finds himself wholly present. It's fun to discover and remember and tune in! Let's see where our lists coincide and then brainstorm together ways to create value for others, in order to earn our livelihood together, including Logan and Paige.

My vision is no more long days without Ben. Our family wants and needs to be together. Will there be opportunities for solo ventures, too? Absolutely. But those will be by choice, not dictated by wage-slavery. You see, we had a taste of freedom during those 11 weeks Ben was unemployed. Even though he was working feverishly to get his web-based genealogy application launched (in case that turned out to be our only immediate source of income) he was still at home. Logan and Paige became accustomed to a daily rhythm that included Daddy. And frankly, so did I. I got to swoop in with hugs and kisses whenever I wanted to. I was able to nap most days. I showered. I had time to prepare nice meals. However, we definitely needed to work more on playing.

I have faith that we can create income for our household by doing the things we love, and become self-actualized in the process, and grow even closer together as a family, while meeting everyone's needs. Theater, creativity, art, business, music, relationships, connections, unschooling, personal growth, fulfillment, passions, dreams, presence.

I have a lot more to say about this, but I'll admit I did just sneak one little peek at the clock on my laptop, and I need to go to sleep! Paige has been asleep for four hours, and I'd better follow my advice to all mommies: sleep when the baby (or toddler) does.

Stay tuned, my friends. We are on a really cool journey, and invite you to come along with us. For me, it all starts with becoming more deeply aware of my passions and dreams and how to live them out. How to construct a life that answers the call to LIVE life to its fullest. And, I'll tell you right now, clockwatching is not part of the new vision.

Let your clock batteries run out. Don't replace them. See what happens next.

The Plight of the Stay At Home Mom

Dear Friends,

Look, I don't like to complain.

Wait, who am I kidding? I love to complain! It helps to relieve stress, it can be expressed in the form of nicely organized lists, and besides, I'm good at it.

But when it comes right down to it, I know I've got it just great here. Let me first highlight a few of the remarkable and invaluable benefits of being a Stay-At-Home-Mom (SAHM)—in a nice, neat list:

1) The children get 100 percent me. Wonderful for attachment, emotional development, constancy, security, and steady love, love, love. Oh, and it's good for the kids, too.

2) Ideal for unschooling. More on this in future posts, but let me summarize briefly: child-led learning via shared life experiences. I am fully present to share and learn and discover with the children.

3) I have always wanted a job with no commute, no set schedule, and no dress code. I used to eagerly anticipate "casual Friday" jeans, but heck, now I get to wear pajamas all the time!

4) Such a savings on buying professional clothing, paying dry cleaning bills, and spending time coordinating shoes with belts. Now I might as well sell my iron on craigslist. (Oh, hey, that's a good idea--anybody need an iron in like-new, barely-used condition?)

5) More homemade meals, more homemaking, more housekeeping...but wait, I said I wasn't going to complain....

6) More flexible hours. For instance, I am typing this at 5:45 a.m. with one hand while nursing a finally sleepy, teething toddler who has been up since 2:53 a.m. working on erupting two-year molars while watching Bob the Builder construct houses on-site. (See, my daughter may be a budding multi-tasker already, too.) On second thought, maybe I don't want to delve into the 24/7 work hours of a full-time Mommy on the "benefits" list....

Full-time. Full-time. It's not the 40-hour work week anymore. Dude, that would be a breeze, compared to the 168-hour work week I've got going now. I've never worked harder in my life than in my current position as Mommy. And for the first year, I actually tried to do both: work outside the home and be a full-time mommy. Even though financially we were able to make ends meet on just one income (ah, if only we had one of those right now! More on the subject of my husband's unemployment below...), I initially resisted stopping work outside the home. It took me almost a year to figure out why.

Prior to 2005, I had spent my entire adult life as the primary breadwinner. I felt capable, competent, and confident. I was respected, relied upon, and—gosh—paid. The transition from former full-time career woman to SAHM, who completely relies on someone else for financial security—and food, clothing (well, fresh pajamas), housing, etc.—was incredibly difficult for me. It turned out to be a huge identity adjustment. It wasn't just a matter of a change in my source of income; it was a shift in who I am.

Although I tried to keep steadily (albeit part-time) working while full-time mothering for the first year, I was overwhelmed. Fortunately, between my own introspection and a series of conversations with my insightful and concerned husband, I came to my senses. It became evident what was best for us all. As my parenting philosophy developed, I discovered that my enjoyment of work, my professional accomplishments and my self-esteem boost from career successes, were far superceded by my joy and zeal for living Life with our children.

So, great! Faith conquers fear. I was afraid to rely on someone else to take care of me financially. I had worked hard to establish myself professionally, so I was afraid of losing ground on the career-building steps I had taken, and the professional relationships and networking opportunities I had cultivated. I had difficulty trusting my trustworthy husband to be there for me 100 percent. (Without going into great detail, let me just share that my husband is the first responsible grown-up with whom I have been in a relationship as an adult. More some other time about why I used to choose partners who seemed to need a parent themselves!). I was afraid I would lose myself in dirty diapers, baby drool, and applesauce-soaked onesies.

Well, I was called upon to take a leap of faith, and that I did. I jumped off this full-time mothering cliff and realized I could soar! Although the responsibility is immense, the rewards are bigger and better than anything I could have imagined. Even future professional successes I might envision would be empty without this amazing family to share them. Right now, I love being a SAHM, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love cooking and doing art projects and snuggling in the middle of the day and packing a picnic if it's sunny and building elaborate train tracks if it rains. I have profound freedom and flexibility in my time with the kids, and I am immeasurably grateful for that.

So how can I possibly complain? I have embraced a broadened and preferred identity. I have a family to share everything with. I am building my confidence in a new field: mothering these children. I have no set schedule, no dress code, no commute, so now what's wrong? Weeeeeeeeeellll, it's that little thing I alluded to earlier: no income. Talk about having your faith tested!

Fortunately, my husband is a reliable (and loving and generous and dear...) provider. Unfortunately, being a proficient, knowledgeable, hard-working, responsible, and loyal employee is no longer assurance that you will still have a job. Companies no longer "take care of their own." So, it's here today and gone tomorrow; be cautious walking to your desk, 'cuz one morning you may be confronted by news of an unexpected early-morning meeting added to your schedule late after business hours the evening before, entitled "Structural Re-Organizational Meeting," the guest list of which includes yourself, your immediate supervisor, and--gulp!--HR. Pack your plants and family photos, and you'll be back home by 10 a.m. with a banker's box, a sheaf of severance papers, and a bewildered expression.

So, how does a SAHM handle this news? Geez, I thought we were all set (kind of). We'd made all sorts of adjustments, transformations, acceptances, and budget cuts to embrace our one-income household. If there were ever a more appropriate time for the Serenity Prayer, I'd be surprised. My husband becoming unemployed is entirely out of my control. And, for better or worse, his regaining unemployment is pretty much out of my hands, too. Very briefly--for about five seconds--we considered my returning to work. But our kids are too small and (thankfully, blissfully, healthily) attached to Mommy. Plus, I can't earn the same money Ben can in his field.

My new job, then, is to not freak out. Keep a calm port. Provide loving moral support. Do not nag or keep tabs (ah, the hand-wringing approach does neither of us any good!). I am being called upon to dig deep in my emotional and spiritual wells to just be. And trust. And think creatively and offer ideas.

It has been nearly five weeks now (ahem, yes, I'm counting) of accepting the situation, calming myself, reassuring and encouraging my husband, keeping normalcy for the children, and further whacking our budget to live like country church mice. As a friend of mine noted, a spouse becoming unemployed when there is only one household income is the stay-at-home-mom's (or dad's) "worst nightmare." Well, yes, of course financially it is. But you know what else? This is also an unanticipated opportunity to count our blessings. We are healthy. We are safe. We are warm. We are surrounded by loving extended family and friends like you, who have reached out and given generously to us with prayers, suggestions, networking opportunities, pizzas, moral support, and love. And that can soothe any mother's and family's spirits.

Oh, Good, I'm Anemic!

Dear Friends,

Once again I'm typing with one hand, while a little toddler nurses and sleeps on me, and a big toddler stands one foot away from the tv screen fascinated by the adventures of the Rescue Heroes. Having a tv is just one of the many areas I've compromised my initial (and as it turns out, unrealistic) ideals I thought I would adhere to prior to becoming a parent. Incidentally, I've not only accepted having a tv (honestly, it's a lifesaver now that there are two children to care for), but I'm actually quite sold on its benefits for introducing parts of "the world" to, well, frankly, the entire family! But, more on the appealing aspects of television viewing some other time...

No, instead, today I'm writing to share my good news: I am anemic! After recent blood work, my doctor informed me that my hemoglobin levels are slightly low, and recommended I begin supplementing with Floradix Iron + Herbs. A trip to Whole Foods, and a commitment to drinking the ill-flavored elixir twice daily ensued.

Now, many of you know I have a penchant for irony, or at opportune times, even sarcasm. But this time, I assure you I am not being ironic. I am genuinely thrilled to learn of my diagnosis of anemia. Because, you see, it explains sooooo much.

Going back for a moment to some of my pre-parenting ideals: I had expected I could keep up with my kids 100 percent of the time. I thought I could play every game, soothe every hurt, wipe every tear, tandem nurse on cue every time, and anticipate and meet every need of my family. Now, I admit defeat. I can't do it all.

But that's okay! In fact, it's great! What a wonderful accomplishment to try so hard and to apply myself so wholly, and to ultimately discover and honor my limits. And, to model self-care to the children, now that I am starting to get the hang of that, too!

Naturally, there is co-mingled a feeling of disappointment for falling short of one's ideals in the face of reality. Okay, I can grieve that loss and move on. The trouble, however, is that I was feeling really guilty for not doing everything for everybody, not jumping up and running and playing as hard as my kids need to, not cooking every meal from scratch, etc. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I couldn't keep up because I wasn't trying hard enough. I just need to do more; I must push myself harder, I told myself.

Well, there is just too darn much to do and there are too many demands for us stay-at-home moms to attempt to do it all ourselves, even under the best of circumstances and with the most hands-on husbands. I am still learning to ask for help (just ask my similarly independent-minded mother, right Mom?). I'm not superwoman, and I get that.

So, I've eased up on my ideals. We watch tv, eat grab-and-go snacks or--gasp! sometimes even meals, and clear paths through toys and art supplies to find a seat on the couch. I've started accepting offers of assistance. I hired a mother's helper (albeit briefly, as unfortunately that was one of the first sanity-saving expenses to go when my husband became unemployed one month ago). I've been taking steps to relax, recuperate and rest from all the hub-bubbity-bub-bub of daily child-rearing and homemaking.

That's all well and good and noteworthy progress. However, I still found myself unbelievably exhausted every day. And bearing intrusive headaches every day. And intensely nauseous every day. What was going on? Was I just "regular tired" from mothering two toddlers? Was I merely not eating frequently enough, or not drinking enough water with all of the whirlwind activity of Daily Life With Toddlers?

It turns out my new acquaintance, anemia, bears responsibility for many of these recent ailments. It's not that I wasn't trying hard enough, it's that my body couldn't do more because it wasn't processing oxygen efficiently. Aha! No need to feel guilty anymore (of course, there never was a good reason for that in the first place)!

A quick review of the symptoms of anemia from ehealthMD:

What Are The Symptoms Of Anemia?

A person with anemia will feel tired and weak because the body's tissues are being starved of oxygen. In fact, fatigue is the main symptom of most types of anemia. The severity of symptoms is in part related to the severity of anemia. Mild anemia can occur without symptoms and may be detected only during a medical exam that includes a blood test.

Symptoms of anemia include:

Fatigue

Weakness

Fainting

Breathlessness

Heart palpitations (rapid or irregular beating)

Dizziness

Headache

Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)

Difficulty sleeping

Difficulty concentrating

Common signs include:

Pale complexion

The normally red lining of the mouth and eyelids fades in color

Rapid heartbeat (tachycardia)

Abnormal menstruation (either absence of periods or increased bleeding)

What a huge relief for me to finally understand why I'd be wiped out for the day if I hurried around the kitchen tackling a big pile of dishes. I'd end up breathless, with a headache, and have to sit down for the next hour. No wonder I literally could not move from a chair after bending and swooping to clear up toys for half an hour. No wonder I couldn't play endless games of chase up and down the stairs, without my heart pounding in my ears for long afterward.

After I read the common signs and symptoms of anemia, I thought, Hallelujah! I finally get it! And, no more feeling guilty. Or pushing myself beyond my limits. And even better, now I have hope that I will continue to feel better, as anemia is entirely treatable.

Relief. Hope. Peace. Acceptance. Flow. Love.

For myself, my family, my doctor, my access to the internet, my letting go, and yes, even my anemia.

This Ain't No Party

Dear Friends,

Bowl of oatmeal? Check. Not-so-cold Winter morning? Check. Laptop-not-being-sold-on-Craigslist-at-this-point? Check. Ready to write.

Well, friends, I've learned a few things during this first week of our Expedition into the Uncharted Land of Unemployment. Here are some of my discoveries, do's and don'ts I can map out for you:

Discoveries

First of all, this ain't no party. This ain't no disco. This ain't no foolin' around.

Husband at home job-searching and building and exploring other possible income streams is NOT a vacation. It's NOT a stay-cation (thanks to my facebook friends for that newly coined colloquialism).

Driven by, well, fear, it is a potential pitfall for my husband to fall into round-the-clock searching, crafting, cover letter-writing, exploring, programming, networking, etc. And for me to support that by slipping food under the door, and aspiring to singlehandedly cover nearly all of the childcare, household upkeep, etc.

If this were a stay-cation, I would have languished in the freedom of having an immaculate house, organized closets, trimmed nails, braided hair, and otherwise being caught up on two-handed tasks. Instead, I've been my husband's 100% wind-beneath-his-wings, trying to carry the weight of everything I possibly can, forgetting Daily Life is a shared activity. A burden shared is a burden halved. Certainly my actions have been fueled by my own anxieties and fears of such trifling things as, say, not having a house or affording groceries.

So. That doesn't work. Our round-the-clock nose-to-the-grindstone approach is not sustainable. This is a marathon, not a sprint, after all. Yet, you don't know where or when the race will finish. Aha! Isn't THAT a metaphor for Life? Therefore, I should be a real seasoned expert at this Game of Life by the time an employment opportunity rolls around and we settle into our New Order. Stay tuned to see if I can sustain that moment-to-moment Zen-like presence, pacing and appreciation for the gifts and treasures Life brings.

Do's

Gifts and treasures nicely segues into my first do:

Do get rid of catalogues. You can't eat curtains (although you CAN wear them. See: Sound of Music.)

Do insist on daily showers (a repetitive theme here, I know, but unless you're a stay-at-home-mom, you might not fully relate to why this is such a fundamental and pervasive desire). My Week 1 "SUCCESS" tally: 5-1/2 (one was a bath).

Do watch Idol. Just because it's fun.

Do sell items on craigslist, but try not to freak out and compulsively check your email account for potential sales.

Do count your blessings before they hatch. A hopeful attitude is imperative.

Do observe how your list of worries has suddenly changed. Example: I used to worry that my husband would lose his job. Yet, it happened, and we are surviving. And: One week used to seem like an eternity; now 18 weeks (of severance pay) seems so very short.

Don'ts

Don't turn down offers of Two-for-Tuesday pizza with your parents. Self-explanatory.

Don't go to the library to play during the heart of cold & flu season. Illness might add insult to injury. Oops, if you do, ask to return the cold your family picked up there along with the borrowed books.

Don't forget the Serenity Prayer. It might help keep you on course on this uncertain land and in these certainly muddy waters. Perhaps along with reading my blog.

In peace and shared love of cartography,

Carrie

Top Ten Reasons to Keep Track of Days of the Week

Dear Friends,

Top Ten Reasons to keep track of what day of the week it is, even when your husband is unemployed and no longer bound to the M-F work week:

1) American Idol - As Paige knows: "Eight o'clock! Idol!" Gotta know when it's Tuesday.

2) Birth control pills - Um, kind of more important now than ever. Labelled by day.

3) CVS coupons - Keeping track of when they expire might make the $5 difference in which brand of "bathroom tissue" you get. Example: soft vs. sandpaper.

4) Scheduling job interviews. Self-explanatory.

5) Still need semi-weekly showers for Mommie. Oops, make that daily, now that Daddy is home to watch the kids for 10 consecutive minutes. So, this is just to mark your calendar as "SUCCESS" for every day you get a shower, rather than pining and strategizing for one like you used to.

6) Unemployment payments - Apparently husband will be calling in and collecting a paltry but exceptionally appreciated check on certain days. More research to be done on this, but I'm certain day of the week matters.

7) Upcoming birthday - I plan to send husband around town for whatever free meals he can get on his birthday. Who serves breakfast? PS. Has a four-year-old ever faked an i.d., changing their birthdate (year immaterial)?

8) Severance pay - Need to tick off the weeks, watch the settlement package dwindle, weigh options about job offers. The dicey offers, if any, are going to start looking more appealing in about 8 weeks. 

9) Craigslist - Pay attention to when I post items-and believe me, I am posting like a crazy woman, while trying not to feel frantic. Fridays are ideal posting days on craigslist, since a lot of potential buyers are on there Saturday mornings. Anyone need a convertible carseat in very good condition?

10) Therapy appointment - Oh, right, no money for therapy to deal with all of the feelings that accompany having two small children, one mortgaged house, four people who eat, four cats who eat, such extravagances as electricity, heat, water, gas, that damn expensive food again...and no income stream.... Keeping stress, panic, and anxiety at bay will just have to happen by reaching out for moral support from my friends, like you. Thanks for listening.