Befriending Your Fears, Part I

Dear Friends,

I am beginning to befriend my fears.

I no longer fear my fears. I do not allow them power over me. This post is the beginning of sharing with you my process of overcoming my (diminishing) fear of germs and illness. My fear was borne of trauma when Paige was four weeks old.

I want to share with you a response I wrote to a local unschooling friend online, when she asked other families for advice about preventing illnesses:

Hello! I'm sorry you aren't feeling well! I know what a drag that is! 

For us, Cold Calm has been a miraculous help for symptom relief and for eliminating the cold in 1-2 days. It's homeopathic, and available at CVS. I became a lot more confident and relaxed about trying to prevent colds, once I knew I had this surefire antidote, if necessary! 

As for prevention, for me it was an intentional shift in my focus. When Paige was a baby, she caught a cold, which turned into pneumonia, which freaked me out because I was afraid she would die. This incident sparked a fear of germs for me. 

During the next two winters, I was determined to prevent any viruses or other illnesses from reaching our family. We washed hands, used Purell, disinfected shopping carts (and I mean thoroughly), minimized going out, avoided having people over, and required them to wash hands upon arrival if they came. I started a regimen of Vitamin C, echinacea, multi-vitamins, the whole nine yards, because I was intent on not getting sick. 

And do you care to guess what happened? 

At least one of us, if not all of us, were sick EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR OVER 100 DAYS. Both winters. It was craaaaazy! 

This past winter, I decided to change my focus. First, I realized no one died from the colds and flues in my family. Second, I experienced we could bounce back, and I always managed to scrape up enough energy to get through mine and my family's illnesses. Just barely, but I did it. And finally, I was just plain too tired and didn't have the energy to fight the flues anymore. I was done. And I let it go. 

The result? 

My recollection is we were not sick once. Not at all. If we were even once, I don't recall, and it wasn't notable. 

Once I stopped putting energy and attention on illness and attempting to prevent it, it simply was no longer a part of our lives. 

This month, the kids caught a cold on our trip to Texas. I did not freak out or overreact. My husband and I caught it, too, took Cold Calm, and it was over. No big deal.
This is a huge shift for me. Maybe I unconsciously attracted those previous viruses into our lives, just so I could be flooded with it, and know that we could survive no matter what. They lost their power over me. And I came through it feeling empowered and peaceful. 

Louise Hay has written a great deal about body ailments and using our intentions and affirmations to rid our bodies of dis-ease, and become our healthiest selves. (Her books are on amazon.)

Best wishes for a healthful, peaceful season:)

Whew! Join me in befriending our fears, rather than fearing them and giving them power over our selves and our lives. Going with the flow feels sooooo much better. Letting go of what we have no control over in the first place. Let's be each other's support for freeing our energy for creative pursuits, living and loving in the present moment, and inviting our fears to at least ride in the passenger seat. We may discover they end up in the back seat, and eventually at the side of the road. I hate to litter, but on the other hand, I think we will find the wind will blow them away, and we will actually see the fears for what they are: a mirage.

Love,
Carrie

Parenting Outside the Box

Dear Friends,

In my most recent blog post, I shared that I have been writing as a community blogger for the Dexter Patch, our local online newspaper. I was recently moved to respond to an opinion article in the Patch, in which another mom asked parents to weigh in on when they start assigning chores to their young children. Her article was entitled "Earning Your Keep."


In an attempt to bridge our apparent differences in parenting philosophies, I reached out across the divide and extended my own thoughts on the subject of not only chores, but how our family communicates and models responsibility for our selves.

When I am in my best space (parenting or otherwise), I am tuned into my intuition and flow in the direction of what resonates with joy in my heart. When I feel connected with my family members, I trust my inner voice and remain aligned with peaceful, loving, respectful co-existence. I put myself in their shoes, and ask myself, "If someone were asking me to help with chores around the house, how would I like to be asked?" 

If someone said to me, "You can't eat (or play or read or be with my friends) until I clean the sink or take out the trash, etc.," I would feel bummed and resentful. On the other hand, if someone invited me to do chores together, and it was a fun, joyful, shared activity, I expect I would feel honored, respected, and helpful. 

My husband and I intentionally put energy into the idea of "being the change you want to see." For us, this means on one level modeling the behaviors (i.e., doing chores, speaking respectfully, eating healthy foods, etc.) that we would hope to see in our children. To be honest that still feels manipulative, in the idea that if I do "x" my child will do "z." It is still based on attempting to shape another's behavior. 

On a deeper level, we actually strive to model self-responsibility. That translates into: when we see something that needs to be cleaned, we clean it. When we interact with others, we are respectful. We eat fruit and vegetables because they nourish our bodies. Our children naturally mimic what they observe. We all do. Kindness begets kindness. Responsibility begets responsibility. 

Our children's response to our actions is merely a by-product. Ultimately the only person any of us truly has control over is ourselves. And teaching our children to take responsibility and modeling kindness and living respectfully and healthily begins with us. Not to be an example, but to simply realize the depth and expanse and beauty of our own potential. 

In peace,
Carrie

Savoring the Bliss

Dear Friends,

When last we met via my blog posts, I was reaching out asking for help achieving my Big Five for Life!

Since then, we have indeed gratefully downsized, and moved to the smaller, more intimate Village of Dexter. It is a charming community, and we are so pleased to be here for several reasons. One is the proximity to my work at The Encore Musical Theatre Company downtown. Another is the cozy house in which we are all physically closer to each other, and very pleased to be so. And, most importantly, we have freed a great deal of our monthly financial burden, taking the pressure off of Ben and his golden handcuffs. Corporate Nine-to-Five-Land is nearly an image in our rearview mirror. Soon, we hope. With the aid of our entrepreneurial ventures, and the encouraging support of you inspiring friends.

I have not written here for the past several months, as I have been instead writing for my local online newspaper, the Dexter Patch, as a Community Blogger! We are putting out the vibe to draw more unschoolers--like-minded, peaceful, respectful, joyful families--to Dexter, Michigan. I predict becoming a community voice will have a favorable effect on establishing the Dexter-Ann Arbor area as a progressive, fun, free environment for raising children and living tribally.

We recently attended the International Rethinking Everything Conference in Dallas, Texas, and were once again moved to further reach our goal of living out ideals of freedom and responsibility.

Here is my recent gratitude list, generated days after attending the RE Conference:

http://dexter.patch.com/blog_posts/savoring-the-bliss

More soon on our developing ideas and plans for living our dreams and building a tribe.

love,
Carrie

I'm working on my Big Five for Life! Can you help me?

Dear Friends,

We have reached a critical moment in order to make some profound changes in our lives.

To my memory, this dates back to Ben's unexpected loss of employment earlier this year. Paradoxically, we had a taste of freedom during Ben's time at home for 11 weeks. Although we were uncertain of our next source of income, we were together as a family every day, and it gave us an experience of how our lives can be spent in union.

Since then, Ben has become employed in the 9-5 world, while simultaneously working passionately and diligently on web-based genealogy services to create value for others and income for our family.

Also, as most of you know, I returned to performing and assistant directing at the delightful Encore Musical Theatre this Fall.

At the Rethinking Everything Conference we attended in September, we were introduced to the concept of "Big Five for Life." One of the five most important things for me to do, see, or experience in my lifetime, is to experience life fully with my husband and children. Another is for me to be actively involved with theater and coaching.

We have decided to dramatically cut our expenses, simplify our lives, and pursue our passions. A crucial step in this process has been to make an offer on a small house in downtown Dexter. This offer has been accepted by the seller, and since the deal is contingent on the sale of our home in NE Ann Arbor, the next pivotal step is to sell our house!

Here is where you come in: Can you please help us by sharing the news of our house on the market with as many people as possible? If you've been to our home, you can also personally convey its beauty and charm to all.  Our home has just been listed today, and an open house is scheduled for this Sunday, November 14, from 2-4 p.m.

I envision a world where we all inspire each other and "real-ize" our dreams together. May I thank each of you for the many ways you have encouraged, supported and inspired me over the months and years. I hope by sharing our passions and living our dreams, our family can in turn inspire yours.

Below is my description of our home for sale, followed by the link to the realtor's site for further details. Please feel free to cut-and-paste this information! Perhaps buying this house will fulfill someone else's dream. It did mine for the past five years -- it has been my dream home. Our family has certainly filled it with love.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Carrie (and my beloved Ben, Logan and Paige)

Remarkable 4 bedroom 2.5 bathroom home for your family!

Exceptionally gorgeous wooded location, with protected natural land in front and back of home!  The lot also features a big side yard. Yet within Ann Arbor city limits. The best of both worlds!

Tucked into a private lane! Only three homes, no thru traffic!

Spacious 2978 square feet--includes 920 square foot finished basement with daylight windows, and an expansive deck!

Newer carpet (2007) in finished basement. Two giant living spaces in finished basement, PLUS with newer wood floor (2007) and built-in bookshelves!

Family room boasts genuine wood fireplace featuring cultured stone wall and oak mantel. Upgraded family room includes bump-out to generously increase living space--same bump-out is in Master bedroom suite directly overhead!

Convenient, first floor laundry room!

Kitchen features island, with outlets on either end, for additional counter space, food prep, and storage!

Brand new microwave (2010) and newer dishwasher (2008).

Formal dining room includes striking bay window!

Formal living room is big enough for two armchairs and a baby grand piano--come and see! Crown molding follows from living to dining room.

First floor bath has elegant updated sink and light fixtures.

Natural blonde wood flooring is featured in entry, formal living, dining, hall and first floor bath!

Upstairs, you are treated to a spacious Master suite, with cathedral ceiling, double sinks, walk-in closet, and deep garden tub!

The three remaining bedrooms have plenty of space for beds and belongings--and no need for dressers, with convenient built-in shelves, drawers and hanger poles in every closet! Perfect for each family member to keep clothes AND toys organized!

Upstairs second bath, hallway, entryway, Master suite, kitchen all newly professionally painted (2008)!

Two car garage, central air, oh! and a brand new roof already under contract to go on this year!

Asking price: $289,900.

This is truly a glorious, yet affordable, house your family will love in, grow in, play in, entertain in and enjoy for many years and generations.

Call today to come and see this beauty, and decide that this is the home for YOU!

Contact person: Rob Ewing, Reinhart Realty (734) 769-3800 or rob@robertewing.com

http://www.reinhartrealtors.com/find_a_home/8557282/3415_BAYSWATER_ANN_ARBOR_MI_48105

Two Wonderful Cats Available for Adoption! (Can't keep due to allergies)

Dear Friends,

Please consider adopting lovely Oscar and charming Henry!

If you cannot adopt them, could you please forward this link to all of your animal-loving friends?

We love these fabulous cats, but cannot keep them due to allergies. Ben has always been allergic, but now it turns out so is Logan, and I have also developed allergies following my pregnancy with Paige.

Oscar and Henry are exceptionally lovable and affectionate sweethearts!

Read more here!

Consider opening your heart and your home to these handsome brothers!

love,
Carrie

When Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy

Dear Friends,

Well, a remarkable occurrence has...occurred. My household, really the family in it, was entirely peaceful these past two weeks. And yes, I do mean my family (no, it wasn't a visiting or housesitting family that was peaceful here; although I dare say with all of this good energy overflowing, it could last for a very long time and have a lingering effect on all who enter this serene dwelling).

You see, I have been cast in a play. A musical, actually. And, my request to assist the director has also been granted. And heck, for icing on the cake, I get to be the rehearsal stand-in for the lead for two weeks.

To say I am excited is an understatement. I am thrilled. Enlivened. I actually feel like I am getting my life back.

Let me first set a few things straight: I LOVE being a mother. It fulfills a powerful need and desire in myself to nurture and grow and discover life with these two tender-hearted beings, Logan and Paige. I have never known such deep joy and expansive love before having children. And I love my husband wholeheartedly and more deeply than ever; the gift of our children as an outgrowth of our love is a phenomenally beautiful and indescribable bond that forms our family. I am profoundly blessed.

Okay. That said, may I attempt to describe the labor that motherhood calls for, which immediately follows--and extends for years beyond--the initial childbirthing-type of labor? I'm talking about the all-consuming, 100 percent giving of yourself, you-are-entirely-responsible-for-another-human-being (or two, or more) kind of immersive experience here. You nurse and nurture and feed and hold and comfort and love these babies, who verrrrrrrry gradually start to become surprisingly independent beings. Time stops. Five years pass.  You come up for air, look around, and you see: two young people feeding themselves! Two young people using the toilet! Two young people riding off in the van with Daddy for a trip to the park while you get ready for an audition!

Yep, I dusted off my performance resume a few weeks ago, got a shower, and had two hands free to put on make-up and curl my hair; I even painted my nails neatly with one dark color (rather than two different pastels, tenderly and adorably messily applied by two toddlers on each hand--which I secretly prefer because it's a sweet reminder of how much fun we have together!).

The draw to audition and perform (which are really the same thing--every audition is a performance opportunity, as most of you would agree), nearly defies description as well. For me, it is a yearning, a hunger, a passion that needs to be fulfilled. I have almost entirely held this passion at bay for the past five years, in order to prioritize childrearing, with a few fun exceptions: I played Charlotte, the spider; I had a principle role in an independent film; I was vocal director for Wild Swan's Christmas Carol (twice). I have also done some private coaching and teaching, but primarily my focus has been on full-time mommying. And I wouldn't change a thing in these past five years! My children are healthy, happy, connected...and now may I add exceptionally peaceful?

It turns out you can ignore Mama's needs only so long. 'Cuz when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. Unbeknownst to me (alright, my unconscious mind already had it figured out, I just had to tune in), I had grown increasingly irritable, agitated, impatient--well, you get the picture--over I'd say, the past year. I thought it was due to inevitable stresses of parenting two children, and dealing with natural sibling jealousy and frankly pretty minor disputes (squabbles over toys being the big recurring theme there). Just all of these challenging aspects of daily life had been building up and bugging me more and more over the last year or so. I chalked it up to "that's just the way it is" and figured I can just muscle through it.

Then, I got a call to come to a callback audition at Jewish Ensemble Theater for the role of a model. Long story short, the entire family pulled together to make it happen. I got there, did it (hey, just like riding a bike!), and afterwards felt...different. Alive. I had awakened a dormant part of me. And I discovered: I AM READY TO RETURN TO THE STAGE. I felt beautiful and capable and strong and empowered and joyful and peaceful!

When the auditions came up soon after for Damn Yankees, my first thought was, "Well, nope, too bad I can't go, but that's just the way it is right now...." And then my inner voice said, "Hey! You're going! You can do this! It's time!" Ben lovingly agreed to help make not only the audition, but also the show work, should I get cast.

Flash forward to getting the message from the theater's Associate Artistic Director inviting me to be part of the production, in the ways I mentioned at the beginning of this post. Wow. I mean, WOW! I felt instantly transformed into this cool, relaxed, Zen, in-the-zone, fully present, peaceful person. I've had lots of moments like this, days even, but soon thereafter I'd find myself grouchy and easily irritated again. What I've discovered now is I am happier not only as I prepare for the show, but also in my parenting. I'm this chill mom, and the amazing result? So are Logan and Paige.

Now, as I said, no sibling issues were ever quite awful or intense, but there were at least daily frictions and chafing and territory concerns, etc. However, in the past two weeks, there has been not a single dispute, irritable word or deed, among anyone in the entire family. I am kind of pleasantly stunned. I mean, I knew in theory that children are highly attuned to parents' (particularly the primary caregiver's, which of course in our family means Mama's) emotions. But, man, it's true!

I realize I had been attributing my annoyances and negative vibes to external sources, but it actually comes right down to me and my attitude. Breaking news, right? Of course not! But I have to share with you that to finally experience continuous peace and to feel it flow through my Self and my family is delightful, uplifting, and something I want to hold onto (or more precisely, perennially release) for a good, long time. In fact, let's stay here, in this exqusite state I'll call Zen. Because now I have the best of both worlds: family-focused Mommy and capable, passionate performer with so many gifts to share.

So look out, theater world: I'm back, and I'm staying!

Of course, I am going to need lots of encouragement and support (and childcare) from you friends to pull this off. Because I know when I look at those two angelic, peaceful, dear faces, it may be difficult to leave the house for rehearsals some days. But I need to remember the reason there is such peace and joy flowing right now through our family: I have hope, I am living out my passions, and I am, after all, the hub of this family. So naturally the flip side of "If Mama ain't happy..." is "When Mama is happy--and her needs are also being met--this is a very, very great place to be." So, come on over, and come see the show, and feel the love.

High School Reunion: Past Meets Present

Dear Friends,

What is it about reunions that brings up so many mixed emotions?

I just found out that my high school is having a multi-class reunion (Classes of 1980-1990), to be held in merely two weeks.

For some reason, I would like to have had this news several months ago, in order to adjust to the idea. Why? What is the mental adjustment I need to make in order to feel entirely comfortable and joyous about the occasion? What would a few months buy me?

I have to admit that part of it is physical appearance. I'd love to slip into the perfect little black dress I wore to my 20-year reunion, but after bearing and nursing two children within the past five years, that just ain't gonna happen. For the record, the shoes don't fit, either. And, when was the last time I wore heels? (I actually do know the answer to this: it was for an audition two weeks ago. But before that...?) Can my usually barefooted or sandaled feet still balance in heels? Anyway, I doubt I could have successfully whipped this tired, mothering body into some svelte, pre-mommy, size 4 form in time for the reunion. Isn't "curvy" the new black?

But why does that matter anyway? High school is such a depressing breeding ground for judging people on appearances. Brands matter. Perfectly feathered hair (in the 80's) mattered. Designer jeans, tasteful rainbows (might that not be an oxymoron now?), the cool car, the unblemished skin, all of these physical, superficial things seemed to matter a great deal. In what? The high school pecking order?

Thinking of a reunion brings up all kinds of insecurities. Am I attractive enough? Am I cool enough? Am I athletic enough? Am I funny enough? Am I talented enough? And add to that now as an adult: Am I successful enough?

And the social aspect: Will people talk to me? Find me interesting? Will the cool kids still hang out together, or will boundaries have been loosened between old cliques? Will I be able to drop my former ideas of who my classmates were, and embrace you they've become? Or, is it better and more realistic to merely add information via this fresh reunion experience to what we already know about each other?

Here is the really cool thing at the bottom of it all: There is a freedom in reconnecting and nurturing those "old" high school friendships. These people know me. I mean, we were together many hours every day for years. Believe me, these friends have seen me at my worst and best. Silly, crabby, moody, funny, hurt, in love, out of love, rejected, admired, thrilled, defeated, triumphant--they've seen it all. There really is nothing to hide from these people. I couldn't possibly, because they know my roots. We know each other's roots. And through it all, we had each other's backs. And actually, we still do.

One undeniable bond was sheer survival of our institutionalized education. Now, pretty much all of us survived high school, and some of us even thrived. But there is a unique bonding that occurs when people are thrown together in such challenging circumstances.

Part of the challenge is facing who I was at 17, and who I am now. Have I fulfilled my dreams of my youth? Am I proud of where I am in my life right now? Does my adult self live up to the expectations I had over 20 years ago? Could I have pictured myself as the adult I am now, when I was only 17?

A major discovery I've made in the past several days since finding out about my reunion surprises me: I am excited to go. Despite the insecurities, the musings, the uncertainties, the anxieties, I am really looking forward to being there. I love my friends. I love myself, both the teenager and the woman I am today. I love the memory I have of the freedom I felt at 17 with my whole adult life ahead of me. I had none of the kinds worries I have today (oh, a couple of examples: Will the kids get sick again if I take them to the Hands-On Museum? How will I ever get the entire house cleaned at one shot? Will my husband and I return to weekly date-nights at some point? Will I remember to introduce myself as "Carrie," or will I slip and say, "I'm Mommy.")

Now, don't get me wrong, I certainly had plenty of worries at 17 (college, moving, grades, deadlines, performances, major life changes, graduation). But there was a feeling of optimism, invincibility and energy that I'd like to introduce back into my life now as a middle-aged adult. Reunions are a good reminder for self-reflection: particularly seeing yourself through your classmates' eyes. And as adults, I believe that is a good thing. I am filled with goodwill toward my friends, both their teenage selves and their current adult versions, whom I can't wait to see.

So, if I had more time to prepare for the reunion, it would be for emotional rather than physical reasons. Now the anticipated anxieties seem rather trifling: How do I encapsulate 20 or so years of life past high school into palatable sound bites for cocktail conversation at the reunion? Eh, I know how to cover the highlights. Those who are also parents will have common ground for relating. I'll be armed with photos of my family on my iPhone.

Speaking of photos: May I just add how helpful Facebook is at times like these? Now we can browse each other's walls, photos, and information, which really lessens potential shocks of what we all look like now vs. our 17-year-old selves, and covers a lot of ground about kids, cities, partners, business ventures, etc. Facebook provides a foundation for conversation, actually, as long as you do your homework.

With Facebook lessening the chance of those embarrassing, "I don't recognize you!" moments, it also affords an opportunity for a little pre-wiring. We can message each other, maybe lay the groundwork to skip small talk by establishing an online connection, and you can even ask your friends what they plan to wear.

I'll be proudly wearing an updated Little Black Dress, celebrating my current Mommy curves, rocking sensible heels, and having a marvelous time re-connecting with these dear old friends who know me intimately from my formative years. I trust we will have no trouble quickly and easily catching up, laughing over old times, reinforcing old bonds and forming new ones. This will of course lay the groundwork for the next reunion 10 years down the road. I should have plenty of time to get ready for that one.